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Mother’s Day, I Just Cant

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It is 10 years ago today since my mother has been gone. I still remember it like it was yesterday. The day before was a Saturday and I had gone to my nephew’s soccer game with my little girl.

Day Before

Taken at my nephew’s soccer game the day before my mother died.

Later that afternoon, I would be taking overnight care of my mother with my aunt and her best friend. My sister and I were taking turns along with other family members since my mother had been on hospice for a week or so. Actually we had taken turns over the last month but the bed downstairs and oxygen tank just helped to make things easier for all of us. We had known for awhile that she would not get any better and logically we all know everyone goes but knowing your parent’s death is imminent is freakin strange, devastating but not quite yet. I had begun to have anxiety about the upcoming Mother’s Day (which came exactly a week after she passed) because what do you get your dying mother for Mother’s Day? Flowers, that will immediately wilt and remind her that she is? Candy that she won’t eat? A keepsake, for who at this point? Time with me she had as well as my care and love for her forever and always and I never had to make a purchase. I was guiltily relieved.

The night was long. She didn’t sleep soundly. The next day, while I was still there my godmother came to see her. When my sister and I switched later that day, her godmother came. She was there when she passed. I always thought those visits helped my mom to let go. She had picked these beautiful women long ago to help us along our way and they were still there and willing to do so and while I have them and plenty of other (thankfully) willing, able, loving, active fantastical surrogates, all of which deserve to be honored as such, Mother’s Day just really makes me want to shut down. When I think of what I want to do for Mother’s Day, all I see is me in bed in a hoodie with the hood on and closed in the fetal position crying either watching movies or listening to music she loved. It would make me feel horrible and yet horribly close to her. But I live in the world and as such, it cannot be…not forever anyway. I thought I could avoid Mother’s Day forever but the avoidance only lasted for as long as my grandmother would celebrate without me (and honestly how long I figured my mother would allow me to not celebrate with her, is that weird?). It got worse as my kids got older and wanted to celebrate with/for me. I still avoid celebrating as much as I can while trying to remember how wonderful the women in my family are and how much they deserve when I can’t.

Lately, I’ve been also been thinking about how long a decade is. If I didn’t have my mother from 0-10 years old, how different would I be? Good lord, if she was gone from 10-20? Well, rounding up, I’ve been without her from 30-40 and I know for a fact that I am a lesser person for her not being here. She wasn’t perfect but she was MY MOM. As a mom, I understand that we are the air for our kids, gravity. The essential of all essentials…and mine is gone.

Life goes on, I get it. My momma raised a smart girl. We muddle through. We do our best even as our hearts ache.

She'll be 13 this month. The best thing my husband ever did for me was plan her 3rd birthday party.

Mom, with the only kid of mine she knew.  She’ll be 13 later this month. The best thing my husband ever did for me was plan her 3rd birthday party.

Freshly Picked Blackberry Scones

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My husband hates where we live.  He thinks it is too hot and that is about his only complaint but I guess, for him, that is enough.  We used to live further north along the coast where I could probably count on two hands the times it got above 85 degrees.  The same could be said for when we used to live south of here, also along the coast, except I would move that to 95 degrees.  I am not sorry that we have handfuls and handfuls of those days now.  I live 15 minutes away from my dad and my sister and that is all I need and that is that.  Get over it honey.

Sure, sure, beaches are great and we still live close enough that we can go whenever but you can’t forget the mountains.  Now, my husband would have you believe that mountains are for camping in the WINTER.  I beg to differ.  Don’t get me wrong, I am a camping girl but the last time I went camping in the winter I almost shivered to death and I was pregnant.  My husband says I exaggerate but whatever, I vowed NEVER again.  Anyways, I think the mountains are great for well, not really the mountain part.  I LOVE the flats at the bottom where you get all the runoff from the snow.  My parents took us a few times when we were kids but my favorite memory is when my mom took us once after school (I wasn’t in school yet but it was after we picked up my brother and sister).  I don’t recall her even bringing towels or swimsuits.  The water is sometimes so cold you can’t get in past your feet anyways.  That was when I knew that I would try to do awesome stuff like that with my kids and surprise them when I could.  She also tried to surprise us once with an after school trip to Disneyland but some little munchkin that couldn’t keep her mouth shut, spilled the beans.  My mother was not amused and yet she brushed it off because well, we were Disneyland bound!

Hey little girl, stop looking so cute. The berries are to your right so get to picking!

Anyways, the flats we go to have lots of blackberry bushes around and we knew it was just about time for them to be ripe.  So before we left for home, after enjoying the water with the kids we made sure to pick some.  I went with my 5 year old and just as we were about to get in the car, my husband got the itch and picked for awhile.  A few were a bit underripe but for the most part they were perfect.  I knew exactly what I was going to bake with them when we got them home.  My husband (and I) were surprised by how much we liked the scones I made before and I knew I wanted to make some again so that was that.  All the scones I had ever eaten before must have been day old or older.  NOTHING compares to fresh scones.  Nothing!  Now get to baking…or wait till it gets cooler and then bake.

Now, for some GeekyLinks.  I am so NOT sorry about the GeekOut that I subjected you to on Sunday.  My daughter and I watched the Curiosity landing live on our computer on Sunday night and it was spectacular!  I was on the verge of an anxiety attack before it landed and tears afterward.  You can relieve those moments here.  And yes, now this household has two ladies obsessed with this man.  And this tumbler page is almost as awesome as the pictures coming from Mars.  I just love that this next generation of kids will have a new cool science guy to look up to, maybe not as cool as Bill Nye, but cool nonetheless.

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