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Mother’s Day, I Just Cant

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It is 10 years ago today since my mother has been gone. I still remember it like it was yesterday. The day before was a Saturday and I had gone to my nephew’s soccer game with my little girl.

Day Before

Taken at my nephew’s soccer game the day before my mother died.

Later that afternoon, I would be taking overnight care of my mother with my aunt and her best friend. My sister and I were taking turns along with other family members since my mother had been on hospice for a week or so. Actually we had taken turns over the last month but the bed downstairs and oxygen tank just helped to make things easier for all of us. We had known for awhile that she would not get any better and logically we all know everyone goes but knowing your parent’s death is imminent is freakin strange, devastating but not quite yet. I had begun to have anxiety about the upcoming Mother’s Day (which came exactly a week after she passed) because what do you get your dying mother for Mother’s Day? Flowers, that will immediately wilt and remind her that she is? Candy that she won’t eat? A keepsake, for who at this point? Time with me she had as well as my care and love for her forever and always and I never had to make a purchase. I was guiltily relieved.

The night was long. She didn’t sleep soundly. The next day, while I was still there my godmother came to see her. When my sister and I switched later that day, her godmother came. She was there when she passed. I always thought those visits helped my mom to let go. She had picked these beautiful women long ago to help us along our way and they were still there and willing to do so and while I have them and plenty of other (thankfully) willing, able, loving, active fantastical surrogates, all of which deserve to be honored as such, Mother’s Day just really makes me want to shut down. When I think of what I want to do for Mother’s Day, all I see is me in bed in a hoodie with the hood on and closed in the fetal position crying either watching movies or listening to music she loved. It would make me feel horrible and yet horribly close to her. But I live in the world and as such, it cannot be…not forever anyway. I thought I could avoid Mother’s Day forever but the avoidance only lasted for as long as my grandmother would celebrate without me (and honestly how long I figured my mother would allow me to not celebrate with her, is that weird?). It got worse as my kids got older and wanted to celebrate with/for me. I still avoid celebrating as much as I can while trying to remember how wonderful the women in my family are and how much they deserve when I can’t.

Lately, I’ve been also been thinking about how long a decade is. If I didn’t have my mother from 0-10 years old, how different would I be? Good lord, if she was gone from 10-20? Well, rounding up, I’ve been without her from 30-40 and I know for a fact that I am a lesser person for her not being here. She wasn’t perfect but she was MY MOM. As a mom, I understand that we are the air for our kids, gravity. The essential of all essentials…and mine is gone.

Life goes on, I get it. My momma raised a smart girl. We muddle through. We do our best even as our hearts ache.

She'll be 13 this month. The best thing my husband ever did for me was plan her 3rd birthday party.

Mom, with the only kid of mine she knew.  She’ll be 13 later this month. The best thing my husband ever did for me was plan her 3rd birthday party.

Sundays with Joy/Leek and Asparagus Quiche

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This Sunday, for Mother’s Day, our little Sunday’s with Joy group is tackling her Leek and Asparagus Quiche from the Joy the Baker Cookbook.  I must admit that neither of these vegetables I have ever eaten before.  I have always wanted to try leeks but I have never wanted to eat asparagus.  I also must admit, that if I hadn’t been in the group, I probably wouldn’t have tried this recipe.  Working with the puff pastry, making a quiche in and of itself, and working with these veggies that I had never eaten before let alone worked with.

Leeks, asparagus, gruyere, O my!

Well, boy o boy, was I totally off, wrong, an idiot or whatever!  This was so freaking good!  My storebought puff pastry didn’t puff as much as I would have liked but I do think I rolled it a bit thin.  However, I was not even disappointed about that because it gave me lots of scraps to make a mini quiche that I didn’t have to wait as long to eat (you are supposed to let your quiche cool for an hour).  The leeks gave a flavor as good as I thought they would be, I was surprised at how much I liked the asparagus, and the gruyere… What can I say about the gruyere?  So nutty and buttery and rich.  Kind of expensive but it more than made up for that in the awesomeness of this quiche (and the tomato/avocado grilled cheese that I made with the leftovers).

Partners in crime, waiting for the rest of the filling.

The only change I made was that I didn’t use whole milk.  I used what I had on hand which was 2%.  I was thinking about changing the asparagus but I am really glad I didn’t.  It is not that I felt the need to absolutely follow the recipe but I felt it was more important for me to expose myself to something that I haven’t eaten before.

Also before I forget, Happy Mother’s Day to all my fellow mothers out there in the blogosphere!  I actually got a present this year that I know my husband put some thought into.  He has been planting (food, grass, trees) all over our yard the last few months and yesterday he put in a yellow rose bush for me.  Yellow roses are my favorite!  We had them in our wedding and I even have one tattooed on my back (my only one).  He hates giving them to me because they mean friendship but I always tell him, “Isn’t that the point?  You are my friend too and that is most important.”  Now he got me some that I will always have.

No GeekyLink today.  It has been a long weekend.

Tea, Earl Grey, Cupcakes with Lemon Scented Whipped Cream

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These beauties are for Anne Wheaton and those others that actually order tea with, “Tea, Earl Grey, hot,” in the manner of a certain Captain, and just receive a blank stare.  I don’t ever order tea when I go out, but if I did, that is how I would do it.  How sad that anyone might not get the reference.

Speaking of the above reference, did anyone else know besides the millions of people that follow certain other people on twitter (@wilw, @levarburton, @jonathansfrakes, @brentspiner) that the entire cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation just reunited at the Calgary Comic & Entertainment Expo held less than 3 weeks ago?  Now, sure, it was a big theatre, but as a huge Next Generation fan, why the heck wasn’t this thing televised or something?  Of course you can pretty much watch the whole thing online here or here and OK lots of other places but it would’ve been awesome to have seen it live.  I also really like this recap and this is pretty funny (make sure you scroll all the way down).

No, that is not fingerprints in the batter! What are you talking about?

I showed a picture from the reunion to my oldest daughter (I think it was this) and she didn’t know who the people were.  *sigh*  I think now is the time to begin to school her with episodes from Netflix.  I remember watching the series with my mom, her favorite was The Offspring, and now I can do that with my daughter.  I totally remember buying her that episode from our local Suncoast for a birthday or holiday or something (geez, I’m old).

The beginnings of lemon sugar.

So speaking of moms and tea, I think this cupcake would be really great for a Mother’s Day Tea!  If I had to do it over again, I would make the flavor just a bit milder by using plain milk or only putting one bag worth of tea leaves in the batter instead of two but really it is to your taste.  While I was eating the batter (yes, eating the batter), having used the tea steeped milk and two bags worth of tea, I thought the batter was AWESOME but after baking, I think going just a bit milder may have been better.

Um, if you need another GeekyLink after the above post, I want to be your best friend.

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