Mother’s Day, I Just Cant

It is 10 years ago today since my mother has been gone. I still remember it like it was yesterday. The day before was a Saturday and I had gone to my nephew’s soccer game with my little girl.

Taken at my nephew’s soccer game the day before my mother died.

Later that afternoon, I would be taking overnight care of my mother with my aunt and her best friend. My sister and I were taking turns along with other family members since my mother had been on hospice for a week or so. Actually we had taken turns over the last month but the bed downstairs and oxygen tank just helped to make things easier for all of us. We had known for awhile that she would not get any better and logically we all know everyone goes but knowing your parent’s death is imminent is freakin strange, devastating but not quite yet. I had begun to have anxiety about the upcoming Mother’s Day (which came exactly a week after she passed) because what do you get your dying mother for Mother’s Day? Flowers, that will immediately wilt and remind her that she is? Candy that she won’t eat? A keepsake, for who at this point? Time with me she had as well as my care and love for her forever and always and I never had to make a purchase. I was guiltily relieved.

The night was long. She didn’t sleep soundly. The next day, while I was still there my godmother came to see her. When my sister and I switched later that day, her godmother came. She was there when she passed. I always thought those visits helped my mom to let go. She had picked these beautiful women long ago to help us along our way and they were still there and willing to do so and while I have them and plenty of other (thankfully) willing, able, loving, active fantastical surrogates, all of which deserve to be honored as such, Mother’s Day just really makes me want to shut down. When I think of what I want to do for Mother’s Day, all I see is me in bed in a hoodie with the hood on and closed in the fetal position crying either watching movies or listening to music she loved. It would make me feel horrible and yet horribly close to her. But I live in the world and as such, it cannot be…not forever anyway. I thought I could avoid Mother’s Day forever but the avoidance only lasted for as long as my grandmother would celebrate without me (and honestly how long I figured my mother would allow me to not celebrate with her, is that weird?). It got worse as my kids got older and wanted to celebrate with/for me. I still avoid celebrating as much as I can while trying to remember how wonderful the women in my family are and how much they deserve when I can’t.

Lately, I’ve been also been thinking about how long a decade is. If I didn’t have my mother from 0-10 years old, how different would I be? Good lord, if she was gone from 10-20? Well, rounding up, I’ve been without her from 30-40 and I know for a fact that I am a lesser person for her not being here. She wasn’t perfect but she was MY MOM. As a mom, I understand that we are the air for our kids, gravity. The essential of all essentials…and mine is gone.

Life goes on, I get it. My momma raised a smart girl. We muddle through. We do our best even as our hearts ache.

Mom, with the only kid of mine she knew.  She’ll be 13 later this month. The best thing my husband ever did for me was plan her 3rd birthday party.

…off to work I go…

So, that job I needed…I got one! It’s definitely an adjustment and kind of the next chapter for me.  You see, I never wanted to be a stay at home mom but circumstances always change the best laid plans.  Now, however, my baby is not a baby anymore and I have some time to work.  While overall, staying at home proved more rewarding than I could have imagined, I think mandatory time with people that aren’t my kids (which is just hard to find if you HAVE kids) is good for anyone.  Now, I get that time and I don’t feel the least bit guilty since I’m getting paid all while meeting new people and having some fun.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s still work but the new people thing really is a blast.

It wasn’t as easy as I’d imagined, heck GETTING the job was probably the easiest part of it.  It’s the little things, the minutiae of the job that had me wondering if I was up to keeping the job.  I didn’t stand out as a great employee from day one which is difficult for someone like me, an overachiever in grade school without really trying so hard.  Even in regards to employment, I earned a raise and a promotion after my first month of work ever.  This time, learning the things I needed to learn took  more time than I expected.  I actually had to try really hard, and I did, and I really enjoyed it.  (Admittedly, I don’t try hard at my housework.  I’m trying harder now to have the kids learn more of it.  Whoa…)  The week before the kids went to school I worked over 30 hours which, for someone like me who hadn’t worked outside the home in over a decade, was exhaustingly magical.  I knew that part-time is where I’d end up hour-wise though and what is best for everyone right now.

This one, my oldest, kept me at the vet a couple of days too and reminded me that an extra paycheck can come in handy.

Balance has been tough and obviously the blog has suffered (heck the baking has suffered, but that is for other reasons too) but we’re working through it and I think the best thing that will come from all of this is the kids getting and learning more responsibility at home because BOY have they been coasting these last few years!  All of this is just in the beginning stages so please keep your fingers crossed for me.

The other reason the baking has suffered?  I got a job at a bakery.  I cannot be expected to sample most of what we serve in about a two month time frame while baking more at home, yikes!  Then maybe the next month I ate too many of my favorites and knew it and didn’t bake that month.  Now I am ready to move on.  Inspired even!  No I don’t bake at work, I don’t have any formal education in that department and so not qualified.  I simply get to serve some great products made by a local business that I really like.  I get to serve people in my community, people I haven’t seen in years, people I see every week.  Sure I gotta wash dishes there too and it won’t make me a millionaire but what I love most is a happily overwhelmed customer.  I love watching a 60, 40, or 20 year old get giddy over a pastry or a cupcake flavor that sounds like the just the right kind of heaven to them because that stuff makes me giddy too.

Finally, I’ve caught up on some household things that had to be put aside because of summer vacation, my job, and getting used to the kids’ schedules.  Now, I have some free time to talk you again and I hope you’ll want to listen and I’m sure I’ll be baking a few things along the way.

I have a GeekyLink for you too!  The only thing that helps me catch up on my housework is my podcasts.  The network I am listening to the most lately is the Bald Move network.  Not only do they have some great TV podcasts but a few lively lifestyle ones as well.  However, my favorite by far is Up Yours/Dowstairs.  Specifically a Downton Abbey podcast they also cover other Edwardian era films (The Secret Garden), TV shows (Mr. Selfridge), and mini-series (Titanic: Blood and Steel) when the show is on hiatus.  If you are a fan of the 1985 version of Anne of Green Gables by Kevin Sullivan and starring Megan Follows then I hope you can appreciate Kelly and Tom’s take on it.  They are a bit snarky and I may disagree with them about a few things but the way Kelly tears up any time Matthew is mentioned means I know she gets it.

Gallifrey One 2014 – Day Two

Cut to Saturday morning where Doctor Whooves Equestria Girl was up at 6am only to go back to sleep till about 9am.  It didn’t matter, I had her costume to finish.  We didn’t get out of our room till about noon and really some of the best small panels are Saturday morning so I was kinda bummed but her costume turned out pretty fabulous.  I’ll save the details of that for when I get to finishing my post about her Halloween costume.  (I know, I know)  Both costumes are Equestria Girl cosplays, just different characters.  Doctor Whooves got ears and a tail though at the preteen’s request.

On the upper right, the “real” Dr. Whooves got to meet his Equestria Girl counterpart.

We also paid attention to the details and Frakker Lacquered it up on both days.

Rose & Stone Cold on upper right for Friday, Type 40 & Don’t Diss the Sonic on Saturday, Doctor Whooves wore Shining World & Thwack! (from the Exclusive comics collection) topped with Tick Tock.

Again cosplay watching didn’t disappoint.

A really great Tasha Lem from The Time of the Doctor (who was played by Orla Brady who played Elizabeth Bishop from Fringe!!!!), a clockwork droid and a Madame de Pompadour (there were three or so but this one was my fave), and a Master and a Tardis and a young man that believes bow ties are cool, good stuff.

Some different panel goodness.

Classic companions and awesome stand out guest stars, cool stuff.

Lastly, our haul.

This includes stuff for others too, its not just mine I swear.

Sorry this was so late, enjoy!

Valentines at Gallifrey One 2014

So this was my third Gally, and unfortunately for me, probably my worst.  I wasn’t as prepared as I usually am.  I went in thinking I was an old pro and that I could wing it.  That was SO not the case.  Probably the best thing was that I spent less money this year than last and that was me really budgeting for parking, food, and finally taking advantage of the hospitality suite.  Seriously, if you have kids or teenagers that are begging you for food, you don’t need to shell out tons of money, you can make them wait for a meal and tell them to go downstairs and get some snacks and water.  Oh if I’d only done that last year when I had two young people with me!  Since I’m a local I also had the advantage of bringing a small cooler with us to our hotel with more snacks, sandwiches, water, and such.

What preoccupied me this year was Valentine’s Day.  Last year the con was a few days after and this year it was during but I have two kids that needed me to bring stuff to their schools (brownie roll-out cookies) on Thursday and I wanted to bake my husband his favorite cake before I left.  You know, the Valentine’s Cake that I also made him for his birthday, not the least complicated of cakes and not one that keeps well (whipped cream & strawberries).  So you can imagine my dismay that he hadn’t even had a bite of it till after we got home.  I was really bummed because instead of making his cake Thursday I could have finished my daughter’s cosplay of Doctor Whooves which I didn’t finish till Saturday morning in our hotel room.  It’s okay, he brought my niece over and she, my kid and I finished half of it before it went all bad.  The hubs did get a slice but just one.

Yeah, totally Lilly Potter on the right. She was in an episode of Doctor Who. She was pretty awesome and her handler totally appreciated the cosplay I made for my daughter.

Friday we took our pictures.  That was another reason I had some spending money left over.  This year I prepurchased our pictures and that made a big difference.  I never got my email from Froggy’s Photos so I did have to stand in the messed up line on Friday with my receipt to get my photo cards but I didn’t mind.  It was the one hiccup in an otherwise superbly run con and swiftly dealt with.  Mostly we just walked around on Friday trying to find our stickers for our program books.  These yearly program book games are where my kid excels and its definitely something we like to do together at the con.  We took our pictures with Arthur Darvill and Paul McGann which was one of the highlights for us.  We also got Arthur Darvill’s autograph on Friday where the only things we asked were what is favorite Once song was to sing and what was his favorite football club.  His answers were “Gold” and Aston Villa respectively,  just in case you were wondering.

The best Stormageddon cosplay, my Chris Hardwick/Chloe Dykstra walk by (all I could say was “Chris Hardwick” and wave hi, he said hi back but I still feel all dorky about it), and a Turn Left cosplay I loved.

I just really didn’t look at the programming beforehand and raising the subject of walking into a panel that didn’t interest the preteen just elicits the sigh of all sighs and that look of What am I gonna do? mixed with Do I have to go with you?  So mostly we just hung out and looked around.  Which isn’t to say that we didn’t have the best time doing that and there’s so much of that to do there that you’d never be bored, but I missed the differing insights into a show that I love and that I always get with a good panel.  We did hit a few panels in the big room though and I loved every minute of it.  Friday we went to the Travels with the Doctor panel which had bunches of people in it including Arthur and Billie Piper and quite a good one.  It was very nice to see some of my favorite classic Doctor companions and even though I really haven’t watched much classic who, I still have a few favorites.  After that we left to go back to our hotel for a bit to rest and eat.  We had such a good time last year on Friday night and we were hoping to have the same kinda fun this year.  Well, she did.  Once we got back I realized the programming I wanted to go to was probably not for her.  She wasn’t comfortable playing poker even though she could because there was no money involved so we went upstairs to a room we had been eyeing all day, the Hub.  It was quite the game room with board games, card games, puzzle games and greatness.  I just happened to look at the “Extra Programming” for Friday and they were going to start a game of Werewolves of Millers Hollow at 10pm. We both played the first time and she stayed to play a second time.  She had so much fun even though she didn’t get to do much (just a villager both times) but I think playing with Doctor Who fans around her own age helped her loosen up a bit.  I played a smidge of poker during her second game of Werewolf but to no avail.  I didn’t get more than a few tickets to enter into a raffle and made it back upstairs before her second game was over.  We left after that so I could work on her costume and hopefully get some sleep.

Let’s go back in…

Sometimes you just need a good kick in the pants (thanks, Mrs. Fierro!) or a dose of pragmatism in all that is out there to catch our fancy.  I was lucky enough to be raised by two people who believed in the practical.  However, with only one of those parents left, it remains hella easy for a daydreamer like me to get sidetracked.

To be honest, I wasn’t entirely off track.  I was still baking, not quite developing recipes but certainly trying a few out and baking up some old favorites.  I’ve kept up a bit with my Sundays with Joy group as well, but simply not posted about them.  It is never the time to bake that I lack, it is just the time it takes to share it with you that has been harder to come by.  You see, I’m going to have to go back to work soon and its not just preparing mentally for it, which after almost a decade is certainly part of it, I’m trying to prep my house, my kids, and my husband for it.  The latter two have had it way too easy for awhile and with less of me around, if I don’t prepare them properly for our new way of life it will be harder than it has to be.  I also feel though, that if I don’t get back to this for myself, especially once I get a job, then there may be nothing left that is just for me.

I did also have an issue with my Gallifrey One posts.  I finished one completely but I’m warning you now that overall my time was kinda icky, through no one’s fault but my own, and it may come across in the post but just to finish the event day two may just be pictures.  I didn’t even manage to score tickets to next years event but I am committed either way for a WonderWoman/5th Doctor mash up cosplay that I hope I can pull off, not just the making but the wearing.

So for the near future it’ll be old or catch-up Sundays with Joy, my Gally posts, only one new recipe so far but also a personal baking project that I hope to share.

A first step in my baking project.

It’ll be nice talking to you again…

Heck yeah, I have a GeekyLink.  It’s probably my favorite in forever and I’m just mad I didn’t share it with you sooner.  I will also share that I am such a space/NASA nerd that I cried the first time I looked at GLIMPSE360: Spitzers Infrared 360 view of the Milky Way.

Sundays with Joy/Banana Bourbon Bread Pudding

Okay, this time I’ve held out on you for two months. But I just couldn’t do it anymore. I remembered a Sundays with Joy that I had made and photographed but hadn’t posted about yet. I have two actually, but I HAD to come back with this one.

In the past, I’ve been one to avoid foods because I think I don’t like them. For the most part, I just haven’t tried them yet and I think that is the case for most of us. But I get super frustrated when I fall in love with something new that someone else even refuses to try, so lately, whenever a chance arises to make or try something new, I go for it. I don’t want to be that frustratingly stubborn person anymore, missing out on so much potential goodness. So it was with this new attitude that I attacked this recipe.

It all begins with this lovely stale crispy bread.

Let me put it this way…WHAT THE HECK WAS I DOING THE 36 YEARS I COULD’VE BEEN EATING BREAD PUDDING BUT WASNT? Seriously.

It was pure heavenly warmth, every dang bite. I vowed to my 10 year old, a quick and also surprised new bread pudding lover, that I would make up for lost time in regards to variations on bread pudding. I’ve even pondered savory ones. This is a whole new world opened up for me and I have Joy, of course, to thank for it. If you’d like this recipe, please get Joy’s Book.

Not a particular GeekyLink today since so many things are happening.  First off, Gallifrey One is coming in less than three weeks and I am a happy girl since Arthur Darvill was announced!  I don’t know if he is into married chubby Mexican chicks that will be bringing their daughter with them but, fingers crossed!  Frakker Lacquer finally released their Doctor Who inspired collection and my favorites are Type 40 (matte), Stone Cold, and Shining World.  Plus she’s got a Sherlock inspired collection coming soon and so many plans for this year that you need to check her out.  Oh, and speaking of Doctor Who, I LOVED the 50th anniversary and I LOVED the Christmas special (OK, a bit less but I haven’t been a fan of those since Donna) and I cannot wait for the future of this series no matter how different it will be.

Sundays with Joy/Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate Chip Muffins

Okay, so its been awhile.  The thing is, I have totally been keeping up with my Sundays with Joy.  I just haven’t shared it with you.  I’ve also been working on some new stuff.  Not in earnest or anything, not to post, mostly because I really just gotta go at my own pace but things are coming along.  I’m working on a mash up of some favorite cookies, my Zucchini Herb Bread made a mini comeback without herbs and I’ve been contemplating a streusel topping for Joy’s Zucchini Cream Cheese Pound Cake so we’ll see what sticks first.  I did work on some streusel topped pies that I DO have the recipes for, I just gotta get them up.  Also, the “big” catalyst for not posting my Sundays with Joy was just that we were doing Oatmeal Raisin Pancakes that week and I made a big breakfast for the whole family so that I could have a big breakfast in my pictures especially since I overcooked my pancakes a bit that week.  So my husband goes off to work that Sunday and I get ready to take my pics with my “set aside” food for my shoot.  Seriously, I go upstairs to get some props (which I organized nicely during my hiatus) and my daughter (the SUPER picky 6 year old) eats my “prop” sausage!  I took the pictures but I just couldn’t get what I wanted.  I was just, ugh.  So I didn’t post that week and it just continued…

Halloween also didn’t help but I want to do a post on that later.  I gotta show you the best sewing I’ve ever done in my entire life and even though I know it still kinda sucked, my 10 year old thought I was a rock star (for about a minute).

Onto these muffins…

I’ve enjoyed the Sundays with Joy that I haven’t posted about but seriously this was definitely the one to come back with.  The husband liked it and if it isn’t chocolate chip cookies or plain rice krispie treats, he balks when it comes to complements and could seriously take or leave the sweet stuff I make.  He had a good handful of these over last week along with the picky eater so yeah, this was a good one.  Also if you are wondering how the muffin holds up to a quick warm up in the microwave, all I have to say is that is 15 seconds not wasted.  It is definitely muffiny and NOT cakey, in the best way which had been a concern for me.  Also, Joy says this makes 12 muffins but I got 14 so that was nice.  Don’t forget if you want the recipe to buy Joy’s Cookbook: 100 Simple and Comforting Recipes.

Oh, and this was the first recipe where I was able to take pictures using my brand new hand me down awesome camera! Yes, unfortunately any back posts will be with crappier pictures than this but new ones will be SO purty. I’m excited.

My GeekyLink for today is all about Doctor Who.  Today brought the ‘Doctor Who’ Mini Episode ‘The Night Of the Doctor’ along with An Adventure in Space and Time trailer.  An exciting morning of squeeing for me around here.  However, in order to plan properly for the 50th you’ll need the Nerdist website’s Full DOCTOR WHO 50th Anniversary Week Schedule on BBC America.  It is SO going to be a major big deal around here.  The day of the 50th (Nov. 23rd) is also the start date of My Little Pony Season 4 and my girls are super excited.  So far the plan is for some sort of an Apple Jack pancake for the morning, apple cider, Tardis Cupcakes for dessert and well…that is it so far but we are still planning.  A little over a week to go so I need to nail it down but mostly we’re gonna have a great day regardless of the food.  OUR SHOWS are on!

Sundays with Joy/Chocolate Peanut Butter Ball Cookies

Well, this one is super late (five weeks!), but also I am going to skip last week’s Sundays with Joy (Seaweed Parmesan Popcorn) because I need to order a seasoning for it so I am just going to wait till I have other things to order from Amazon.  It actually may be sooner rather than later as the holidays approach so look for that to appear in a future post.  If anyone is thinking, “Ewww seaweed!  Why don’t you just skip it?” (cause maybe I was) it’s because all the really really good recipes in this cookbook start with me thinking “Really, Joy?  Are ya sure?”  I mean Orange Gingerbread Squares with Cream Cheese Frosting or Grapefruit Soufflé Pudding anyone?  So even though I’m a little wary of this seaweed popcorn, I’m still totally gonna do it.

Now, this particular recipe had me perplexed as well.  It was not the flavors.  It’s peanut butter and chocolate, a no brainer!  My issue was the “ball” part…on a cookie.  I just didn’t get it.  It didn’t really matter.  I made them anyway.

Then as my family was trying to eat them it finally struck me what bugged me about them.  The ball makes it kinda hard to eat.  So since I was already late posting about my cookies, I decided to take the time and make them again.  Especially since the flavor combo was a big hit in this house, I wanted to see if I could go about making these cookies more practical to eat.  So I took the balls…and FLATTENED them, simple as that.  I also added a bit of melted chocolate just to make them a teeny bit prettier but they really don’t need it.  If you’d like the recipe be sure to pick up the Joy the Baker Cookbook: 100 Simple and Comforting Recipes.

My GeekyLink for this week is all about the extention of the wizarding world that will be coming soon.  As a young wife with no kids, reading Harry Potter in real time, waiting and waiting years for new books, of course I bought Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them  I wasn’t sure at the time how “real” they were (you know how some book and move tie-ins are barely legit).  Years later when it was revealed that J.K. Rowling herself wrote it and Quidditch Through the Ages I felt vindicated having bought them.  They were just bits of the world but it is a world I love and am eager to get back to, even 60 years before The Boy Who Lived or not.  With two kids yet to read Harry Potter and one that already loves it, I couldn’t be more thrilled.  But I’m also back to waiting…

Biscoff Pretzel Rice Krispie Treats

Even though I’m really late for two Sundays with Joy (I already made one twice and changed it a bit), I decided to bring you the recipe that I made last week first.  It’s THAT good.  Once I began putting these together though, the whining began…

The hubs complaining about why I don’t ever make plain rice krispie treats.  It has happened before and I’m sure it will happen again.  He knew not to complain too much but I still got a grumble.  Other krispie treats I’ve made didn’t make him change his mind but these he had to admit were “pretty good.”  High praise indeed.

I however, am a sucker for sweet and salty and that is exactly the combo that these deliver.  Beware, if you are a sucker like me, you might eat most of the pan before you remember school has started and you can send them with your 10 year old to share.  They were a big hit at middle school.  Even my Sarah, who is still so picky she won’t eat half the sweets I make, ate a few mini squares with delight.

My GeekyLink for today is once again Frakker Lacquer.  I’m gonna tell you a secret.  I’ve been a nail biter as long as I can remember.  Cut to now, just two months after they launched and I am 6 out of 8 shades in and I love it.  I really friggin don’t like makeup (nail polish included, except for the fact that it helps me not look old).  I always thought of it as a waste of time and something I’d just rather not do.  Frakker Lacquer helps me see the fun in it.  36 years in, I’d NEVER seen makeup as fun until now.  The shades mean something to me so they are fun for me to wear.  I love that if people see my nail polish, they’ll see purple but I see the color of Mace Windu’s light saber and it makes me smile.  Coming soon is the Classic Comics Collection exclusively at Pittsburgh Comicon September 27th to 29th AND a Winter is Coming Collection in early October AND a Doctor Who inspired collection coming up after that as well.  Also, it is simply a really great polish that is fairly resistant to chips.  I have three kids, bake and clean lots and can go over a week without a single chip.  I love this stuff and now I have nails enough to at least scratch my husband the next time he whines about plain rice krispie treats.

Sundays with Joy/Coconut Banana Cream Pie

Whoa, I’ve been gone a month!   It won’t be that long before the next recipe either.  It has been photographed and completely eaten already but before I post it, I need to catch up a bit on my Sundays with Joy posts as well.  The thing is, I’d been keeping up with the baking aspects of Sundays with Joy, I just hadn’t blogged about it. Yet…

I remember this particular Sunday fondly.  We had some friends over.  I say “we” but three more kids, one for each of mine, is not really for me.  Except when you take into account that I don’t get many requests for attention on those days.  Requests for food yes (oh man, 6 kids/1 cantaloupe/5 minutes!) but attention no.  It is actually great for the days that I have a Sundays with Joy to make.  I get time in my kitchen to focus on a recipe (kids are EVERYWHERE else!), lots of little people to eat it, and happy worn out kids by the end of the day.  What’s not to love?

I added chocolate ganache to the bottom of the pie and a layer of bananas before I filled it but used bittersweet chocolate instead of semisweet and ultimately that was just too dark for some of the kids’ tastes.  I didn’t like that I smeared my chocolate after drizzling it over the whipped cream and I think my pie would have looked loads prettier if I hadn’t but no biggie.  I loved the coconut in it and both flavors went great together.  This was simply a lovely recipe that I was glad to not have many leftovers of because I, like my grandma before me, am a sucker for a banana cream pie.  If you’d like the recipe please buy Joy the Baker Cookbook: 100 Simple and Comforting Recipes.

My GeekyLinks for this week reveal a bit about my childhood.  My mother used to work in a Hallmark store when I was very young and so ended up buying us and herself lots and lots and lots of ornaments over the course of her lifetime.  I buy some every year but not anything as close to what my mom used to buy.  Still, I will ALWAYS buy a few Hallmark ornaments especially as over the years they break out the cool stuff (yeah, I want Wicket so what?).  They’ve even revealed some cool stuff for 2014!